So Valentine’s Day was this past weekend, and it got me thinking: why on earth don’t I have a girlfriend? Then it hit me. I’m a geek! An overweight, sweaty, greasy geek! At first I was depressed. Who wouldn’t be when coming to a realization like this? However, I have come to the conclusion that it is not the fact that I’m a geek that’s to blame for my lonliness; it’s that I let it show. Don’t tell me that I should be proud of my geekiness and that I should wear it on my sleeve. I have lived a long, public life as a geek, but now I want a girl.
But here’s the catch: I do not want to stop being myself. I just want to reign myself in long enough to fool an unsuspecting lady. That is why I’ve come up with my own twelve-step program, aptly named “Geeks Anonymous.” Don’t misunderstand my program. I am not aiming to cure people of their geeky ways. Rather, I have developed twelve maxims that will allow you to be a geek anonymously. Instead of scaring away potential dates, I want you to heed my words and mask your dark inner desires to LARP as opposed to FARPF (Find A Really Pretty Friend).
Geeks Anonymous 12-Step Program:
1.) While making a move on a girl, don’t stop to roll a charisma check.
2.) Sports are a good thing. They are normal. You should watch more Hockeyball.
3.) Thou seeth the manner in which I speaketh unto you? Speaketh in this manner no more.
4.) Quit referring to your Ford Aspire as the Millennium Falcon.
5.) Nobody cares who would win in a fight between Gandalf and Obi-Wan Kenobi…but it’s totally Gandalf.
6.) Yes, Sarah Palin is a Cylon. No, you shouldn’t discuss this on a first date.
7.) The whirling when you first turn on your air conditioner is not your apartment’s FTL drives charging up.
8.) T-Bagging may be hilarious in Halo, but not in real life. Do not T-Bag the kid who you blasted out of his Warthog (bicycle) with your Needler (rock).
9.) Do not run away in fear from rabbits. People just won’t get that reference, and you should be ashamed that you do get it.
10.) Try not to go weak at the knees when you hear a John Williams score.
11.) Some mushrooms may seem like they give you power-ups, but they don’t make you bigger, and especially not “down there.”
12.) If you are lucky enough to take a lady into your bedroom, don’t yell FTW before climaxing.
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February 16, 2009
#1
I like to think that i am a successful “public geek”. I have never had any real trouble getting the ladies… it could be because of my full and lustrous beard.
OR it may be the fact that i constantly force others to into a sense of inferiority when they insist that superman is better/stronger/etc. than batman (which is a surprisingly common belief among the un-geek).
I believe it is the latter…and though I approve of this list with two “halo-cramped” thumbs up..i also feel that “confidence” is a big aspect that is missing. Even if it’s just an act, if you can convince others that they are worthless human beings for NOT getting the Monty Python reference, you’re well on your way to being a bone-a-fide “ladies geek”.
…or maybe it just makes you just as worthless for playing on other people’s esteem issues… your call ;-)
February 19, 2009
#2
maybe you should look for an equally geeky lady!
February 21, 2009
#3
As as former Drug and Alcohol counselor and current total geek, I applaud this list, my friend! Very good. My pal had an old green Chevy back in my high school years in the 1990’s that was indeed called the Millenium Falcon. I now shed a tear for that glorious first car . . .